F**ked in the head

I'm so tired. Of all the bullshit. Seriously. Being in a relationship should not be hard. But at the same time, it could just be my bad karma because of what I did to Nadia. But I'm trying not to care.

It's been a taxing time for me and Jillian and I suppose now we're actually putting our friendship to the test. That is, if she can be bothered. I've tried my best, but there is only so many times that I can offer to spend time with her. When it gets too hard, I'm just going to turn my heels and run. Because seriously, I do not put up with this much BS.

But talking to the girls, seriously, I look at him and while I really love him to bits - you know, I don't harbour the same intense feelings that I did for Damion. And I sound like a complete bitch because I know how he feels about me and I just don't want to hurt him. I fell into a relationship that I shouldn't have entered anyway. I fell in because I needed someone to be there for me, I needed my friends to pull me through the tough times and they let me down. This happened and as a result, I could be hurting one of the sweetest guys I've ever known.

I could grow to love him and feel as passionately for him as I do for Damion. But only time will tell.

On the street...

Saw Damion today. And it bothered me. My heart stopped and I felt like the world was spinning a thousand miles a minute. Even though he looked stupid shirt with a stupid jacket and looked like he put on a couple of kilos. It still bothered me and more importantly, it bothered me that it bothered me seeing him again.

I'm so mad at him at the moment. Mad because I didn't pick that he was a cold-hearted BASTARD who wouldn't think twice about the girl who's heart he smashed into a thousand pieces. Who wouldn't even acknowledge when she poured her heart and soul on an email. Who wouldn't even want to be friends even though things didn't end well.

Well, Damion. FUCK YOU. Seriously FUCK YOU.

In the words of Hilary:

You can change your life - if you wanna
You can change your clothes - if you wanna
If you change your mind
Well, that's the way it goes

But I'm gonna keep your jeans
And your old black hat - cause I wanna
They look good on me
You're never gonna get them back

At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

[Chorus:]
If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay

You can say you're bored - if you wanna
You can act real tough - if you wanna
You can say you're torn
But I've heard enough

Thank you... you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn't gonna happen here
At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

[Chorus]

If you're over me, I'm already over you
If it's all been done, what is left to do
How can you hang up if the line is dead
If you wanna walk, I'm a step ahead
If you're moving on, I'm already gone
If the light is off then it isn't on
At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

I don't even know what I'll be like if I ever came face to face with Damion again. All I know is that I need to get over it. GET OVER IT.

Gambit

I have a newfound love for Gambit. I've been just introduced to the Blackberry Messenger by Claudia. Thanks Claud. I can totally see us taking NYC by storm with our little berries!

Xxx
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What people will put up with!

Thank GOD it's Friday!!! Been so looking forward to this weekend because this week has dragged!!!

So I have had to write Nadia an email sort of explaining why she has not known about Damion, etc. Because you know, Jillian cannot keep her mouth shut and mentioned it in the car. Of course, I didn't care whether or not Nadia knew, it's just that I would've liked to have been the one to tell her. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have had to quickly send Nads an email to tell her what has been going on so that she feels like she's still in the loop.

So she wrote me one back which was quite sad, and not nearly as excited as she was when she was talking about buying land. And she is saying alot of things that makes me think that Matthew has not wanted to buy land with her or something, but something is definitely up. She said that she is sad, and that she will talk to me about it, but I am worried for her. I am a constant friend worrier, I think!

Anyway, moving on from it though. I just feel that he is not good enough for her. And it may be something that is hard for her to understand and get right now, but it is the truth. I think she doesn't realise how wonderful she is, and that any guy would be lucky to have her. As he is her first boyfriend, she is letting him walk all over her because she is afraid that he will leave her and because it has taken her so long to find him, who knows when the next one is coming?

Sigh... but it's never easy telling one of your best friends " Your boyfriend doesn't respect you, he is a loser who can't keep a job". It is hard and all you can do is be there for her, I suppose. I can't imagine him ever breaking up with her, he's got too much of a good thing going for him, with her working and him just living off her. And as for her, she would never break up with him because she is afraid to be alone again.

I will need to read this blog again if I ever came to that. It is terrible what people do when they are lonely!

xxx

Conscience? No, that doesn't sound like me...

Day started out interesting enough - I woke up in a warm toasty bed. Felt too lazy to walk to work - so decided to bus it.

Also thinking about the day - I have so much to do before the weekend, so do I really need to go on this date tonight? Seriously? My house looks like it's been hit by a cyclone.

I'm also thinking about what I did to Peter. Which I still feel awful about. It doesn't help that he is a nice guy, who really deserves to be treated better. I was not a complete bitch, and I think I let him down ok, but I wanted to tell him that I was shallow and petty. Because that is what I am and that is the reason I could not see myself with him.

Of course I hope things work out with Damion. And if it doesn't, I know it's because of karma. But really, in my defence, he was NOT the perfect gentleman either. At times, he was, like walking me home, he said some downright rude things. He called me fat, and he even implied that I was a slut! Soooooooo... to cut a long story short, I cut him out. Which I felt ok about until he called and said that he wanted to be with me. I think that sort of triggered me to think about Damion. I mean, I think of guys in checklists, and in this case, Peter failed miserably:

The important stuff:

a) do we get along? YES

b) is the conversation always mentally stimulating? NO

c) am I attracted to him? NO

The shallow, yet important stuff:

a) does he have a steady job? NO

b) will I want to introduce him to my friends? NO

c) is he generally attractive? NO

And that is why I had to cut him loose. It is sad that I let the shallow, superficial stuff affect my judgment as well, but hey, that is society and that is who I am.

Then why do I feel so bad?

Well, after being told by one of the shoppers that this was totally fabulous, I had to put this look up!

Updates on the situation - I was absolutely in the shits yesterday because apparently Lauren had said that me and Jillian think and rant too much about boys. She tells me that I don't need a man to define myself. I know this Lauren, this is what I have been saying for ages, but does anyone listen? When a single girl says something like that, she is bitter and twisted. She is only saying that because she has no one. But it's ok for the married one to say it. As she has a man, it HAS to be true!

Anyway, enough about it, I tend to let most things that Jillian tells me slide off my back, only because she is sensitive and takes a lot of things to heart! And most things that are not offensive could be construed as offensive by Jillian!

So I was in the shits and then Damion got on MSN. Got to talking about the general stuff (in the meantime talking to Shannon, which in itself is another story). And then he drops the bomb. He wants to start dating again. He thinks that the decision he made was too hasty and he regrets it. He wants to be more than just friends.

So we talked a little. He is not a talker, but I made him. I wanted to know what he was thinking, what he thought of me. I also followed Glamourously Fabulous Chloe's advice. Whatever you do, do not let him see all your cards. And I didn't. I wanted to tell him that I have been thinking about him for the past few days and that I wanted to be with him. Not for a serious relationship, but I liked him enough to see it going somewhere. But I didn't. And for all of you who are reading this, yes, I am playing a game. But I was about to follow my heart and take back this guy who had rejected me. Although he did it in the nicest possible way, it still hurt and I do not like the taste of rejection.

My mind (or maybe it was Chloe) was screaming at me "What the hell are you doing? This guy REJECTED you - do you not have any pride?"

Pride. That is my biggest downfall. I think I have had way too much of it in the past and it had made me lose friends and important relationships. So I made it up as I went along. And I think it worked. I have managed to find a middle ground between my heart and my mind.

So comes the next step. We're going to start dating again. This could end in heartache, or it could be one of the best things I'll ever do. Only time will tell.

Aarrrggghhh!!!

So I had a conversation with Damion last night. And I had stupidly said that we should hang out sometime. What was I thinking? I don't want to hang out. I should not have put myself in a situation where I could potentially, royally screw myself.

I thought about it, analyzed it and figure that the reason why I'm doing this could be one of the following:

a) I'm afraid of letting go.

Yes, we have only been on two dates. Two. But I could see us possibly going somewhere. More importantly, I could see him getting along with my friends, my mother and you know, just fitting in. Furthermore, Hobart is so deprived of boys that these ones are hard to find. That is probably why I did not want to let him go.

b) I want him to see me and know that I"m fabulous.

'Nuff said.

c) I just don't know why! I'm whiny and indecisive and don't know what I want! Somebody slap me around already!

Settle?

Time and time again I write these blogs to remind myself not to settle.

Don't settle. Don't settle. He is out there somewhere. In the meantime, I'm just going to be fabulous, and he will come.

Pav dream!

Had the weirdest, yet oddly best dream to date: Me, Jillian and Nadia were in Melbourne (don't ask me where Luz was) and we were hanging out with Chris Tarrant and Matthew Pavlich from Freo and Frawley from Melbourne (I really don't know why he was there, considering I don't even know which one he is). We were sitting at a bar table and directly to my right was Chris Tarrant, and right opposite me was none other than Matthew Pavlich.

Now, everyone who knows me knows that I love Alan Didak. What's not to love? And that I have always been drawn to boys who were bad for me. But I was looking at Matthew Pavlich the whole time in my dream and he was pretend-glaring at me from across the table. He was also pretend sulking, which was very cute and I had said "What's wrong Matthew?" and he would just turn his back on me and sulk some more. It was really funny and soon everyone at the table was laughing. And then I would say "Come here Matthew, I'll give you a cuddle to cheer you up!" and he'd STILL be glaring and sulking at me. Finally, he did, and instead of giving me a cuddle, he gave me a couple of kisses, which was so nice.

And then he walked back to his seat at the table and it felt right. Weird, but right. And of course, in the midst of the nice warm and fuzzy feeling that was in the air, Nads broke the mood by saying " So do we know how to get to Telstra Dome?" It was funny. And I woke up.

And for purposes of the dream interpretation, should I mention that at the start of the dream, Pavlich was in a nice shirt and tie (Freo colours of course) and by the end of the dream, both him and Tarrant had their Freo Away jerseys on?

But recently I have been having many dreams about famous people. Just the other night I dreamt of Stirling Mortlock. Which I will elaborate another day, no doubt. Wonder what it means?

xxx

Hall of Fame Tribute Match

It's weird. I usually back the Victorian/Melbourne teams, no matter what. But tonight, for the Hall of Fame Tribute match, I am backing the Dream Team. It must be the likes of Andrew McLeod, Matthew Pavlich, Leon Davis that is swaying me. But wait, I also like Jonathan Brown and Jimmy Bartel. How is this working?

Love the AFL. LOVE.....

Birthday night festivities...

Hungover as all hell, but it was all worth it. I think the more important thing was that us girls managed to put aside our little bickering and tension and come together to have a wonderful time. We left that restaurant with friendship vows renewed and a new sense of comradry.

Dinner started off slow enough with us trying tofind topics to talk about, which is so weird because we're all best friends and we shouldn't have that problem in the first place. But as the alcohol flowed freely, so did the conversation. Of course I had a conversation with Daniel, but that was a mere speck in my night. I will no doubt be talking about it another day.

So Lucky turned up and the more important thing would be: Why the fuck did she turn up? She didn't bother speaking to me, when I gave her a hug to thanks her for coming, she made it look like she was doing ME a favour. Two words, Lucky: FUCK YOU. I invited you along for birthday drinks because I wanted to show that I was the bigger person. Clearly you called my bluff and actually turned up, so we're even, but thanks for trying to ruin my night. Stupid bitch.

Anyway, enough about the negative stuff. I got wonderful presents - the 2nd Season of How I Met Your Mother DVD and of course, my beloved Melbourne Demons gurnsey. LOVE it!

More importantly, the important people rocked up, which was good. My boys from way back when, Timmy and Drino were both there, which was so much fun. And Les and Joe rocking was superstar too. Drinks drinks and more drinks.

The night of courses ended with a little drama, Hills-style. Cara got into a fight with Hawk, which would be a little lovers spat, but for some reason included Lauren. Jill kissed Timmy, which is something that I am not liking at all, because she knew that he has a girlfriend and that makes my friend a little bit a cheater as well.

Timmy also got a ticket from a policeman for drinking in public. Which reminds me I elieve the policeman was completely power-tripping. Which is another thing, I need to talk about the bouncer and the policeman mentality. Something which I don't completely understand and do not like at all.

Overall, fantastic night. And the aftermath? Jillian, spewed. Nadia, spewed. Lauren, spewed. Three outta five ain't bad.

The Hills

- Property of RollingStone Magazine

Considering the mood I'm in - all I want to do is sit and watch a Hills marathon. Is that so wrong? I love the Hills - everything that has been said in there is relevant to my life. And that might seem pathetic to some, but it's who I am.

I LOVE THE HILLS

Just something I thought I'd put out there.

Ar least out loud I won't say I'm in love...

You know sometimes you think to yourself, I'm just going to date the quiet, unattractive guy. You know, the one that is less likely to hurt you or break your heart. But wait, here's a newsflash: THEY DO ANYWAY. So in a sense, why would you date the unattractive guy when you could've been dating someone nice to look at? If the end result is the same, then what the (pardon my French) fuck is the point?

My new mantra. Don't get attached. Because at the end of the day, your feelings are out on the line and you run the risk of shattering your heart into a thousand pieces. Play games. Never tell him how you feel. Because when you do, you lose power and lose face. Which is exactly what happened last night.

After stuffing up with Daniel, where I waited for too long to meet him, I had a new outlook. Meet them quickly, do not get attached. Same thing with Christopher. After the whole buildup, meeting Christoper was a big disappointment. Needless to say, we are not seeing each other and I sincerely wish him well in his search. Do I really? No, I wish he will meet a controlling freak who makes him miserable. Why should I be nice about it?

So I met Damion. Looks ok enough, I was optimistic about it all. It bothered me a little that he still lived at home and didn't seem to have too many friends. One of those typical computer nerds in my opinion - someone that I would've stayed away from from the get-go. But this was a new me, I was going to give it a chance.

Had our first date, it was lovely and we had a good time. He asked me for a second one and that's when it all ended. He told me last night that he felt that "we didn't really connect" and that "tbh (which I found out meant to be honest - I seriously didn't know) you freaked me out a little". Ok then. So having friends and being out there is freaky. OK THEN.

So end of story, it's not happening. He still wants to be friends and hope that he "didn't upset me". Get stuffed Damion. I mean seriously, you are a lovely lovely guy, but why would you not think for a MOMENT that that would not upset me.

So lesson for the day:

a) when a guy asks you how you feel about him, LIE.

b) never put your feelings out there, because it is something that he can use to stomp all over you.

c) always always date a good-looking guy - or at least someone that you would find attractive, and even if you don't, find someone that everyone else would find attractive

d) never get attached.

That is all.

Redline...

So todays my first road trip by myself- its just a two hour trip on this bus that I've never been on before, thought I was going to miss it! Its actually quite exciting- haven't been on a long journey bus like this since singapore days!

Ok, going to watch himym now!

Xxx
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Glass is half full...

Most times I like to think of myself as an optimistic. Because no matter how much life throws me curveball after curveball after devastating curveball, I believe that things will get better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those poor unfortunate souls, born into a wealthy or middle class who just wants to have a whinge. I'm not someone who wants to potray a tortured soul who is fraught with ten thousand hardships. My life has been pretty good until recently. Great parents, good education, never really had to go without. No complaints there.

But the love area. Never was lucky, never found the one. Never had someone who thought about me constantly, never had the love of my life. I've always yearned, and longed and wanted for one. And for some reason I thought I found the love of my life in George, but that was unrequited love, til this day, I still think about him fondly. Not because he had done anything to deserve it, but I just like remembering how I felt everytime I saw him and everytime I heard songs that made me think of him. Call me a hopeless romantic, call me whatever. I liked it feeling giddy with love. Maybe it wasn't even love, I don't know.

But everytime I dabble in matters of the heart, I am always the one who ends up getting hurt. Always. I never go with my gut instincts because they are always wrong. Everytime I think that my affections are being reciprocated, it turns out they see me as "friend"material and end up with the next available, more attractive girl. I don't think myself unfortunate looking, but there is always the one single person who is more attractive than me. Always. So I'm the one left behind.

But even though I have my heart broken (ok, that might be a bit melodramatic, but at the time, it does feel like it) time and time again, I think I'm still an optimist. Everytime I think that the future for my lovelife looks bleak, there is always a single girl show that tells me that he is out there somewhere. Ally McBeal, Sex and the City... they all tell the same story. You are alone now, but you will find him. In the meantime, you need to kiss all the frogs, don't settle. He is out there.

I'm still looking for my Larry Paul or my Mr Big. I do hope he is out there. And that's all I got. Hope.

I Know Him By Heart

There's a secret path I follow

To a place no one can find

Where I meet my perfect someone

I've kept hidden in my mind

Where my heart makes my decisions'

Till my dream becomes a vision

And the love I feel

Makes him real someday

Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

Am I living an illusion?

Wanting something I can't see

If I compromise, I'd be living lies

Pretending love's not meant to be

Cause I know my heart's worth saving

And I know that he'll be waiting

So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

Honestly, as quickly as I have sort of gotten a guy, I've lost it. Seriously. This guy ended up being either a schizophrenic or just high maintenance. And to be completely honest, I don't do either.

Talking to ; last night and we have some to a general consensus. In our group, u are absolutely lucky with guys or just cursed. E can't seem to have a relationship with a guy in the same state, sometimes the same country. J can't seem to find any boy attractive if he is not leaving the state. As for me, I always find the boys that dick me around. Sick of it. Sick of it.

And what kills me abt the whole thing is that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship in the first place! And the reason why I put myself through this fucking song and dance is because I wad trying to conform. Son of a bitch.

No matter how u spin it, the bottom line is that what he said hurt. Even though I'm not attracted to him all that much. Even though I wasn't sure whether I wanted the relationship in the first place. And that's another thing that shits me, why the fuck do I hate rejection and why must I have the need to make everyone like me? Seriously.

I hate myself sometimes.
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It feels like ages since I last wrote. Once again sitting at the same park bench comtemplating life!

Since I started online dating, I have met someone. He's not what I think is goodlooking, but we seem to get on well. Although it has taken a bad turn since then. Ish. I can't even put into words what's been happening. And its all such bad timing as well, with mom visiting and I can't even say anything, not even to J.

And today I have a new person to share my office. Great, just what I need.

Xxx
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Valentine's Day

Ugh, Valentine's Day. Need I say more? I hate Valentine's day!!! Once again, no Valentine, NOTHING. I didn't even want to ask anyone else what they got for a Valentine. If they choose to tell me, I will listen. But to be completely honest, I don't give a flying fuck. Yes I am bitter and twisted.

Of course things would be different if I had a boy. Of course. That's when the double standards kick in, and I won't deny it.

I have decided that online dating is hard! Especially in a small town like where I am! Even my online relationships are screwed up. No one interests me in the slightest, and everytime I click to see someone, I just think - am I setting myself out for failure?

xxx

Conformist

Never thought that I would ever say this, but I have become a conformist. I'm feeling the pressure of not having a partner that I have resorted to drastic measures: I have joined an online dating site. I know. Fucking ridiculous.

Looking at people online - completely weird. I try to imagine what they look like, what they are like, etc. burt the bottom line is, why are they alone? The question is, why am I alone?

Am I really ready to settle? Not settle down, but settle for second best. No, I don't believe that I am, but I'm watching my friends make a massive effort to put themselves out there and I refuse to be the only one who's single! Is that wrong?

Plus the pressure from my mother is starting to get to me. She doesn't actually say get a boyfriend, but u know what she's thinking and I seriously don't like disappointing her.

And its not like I don't have one for lack of offers. I really don't think I should be penalised for knowing what I want.
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