Redline...

So todays my first road trip by myself- its just a two hour trip on this bus that I've never been on before, thought I was going to miss it! Its actually quite exciting- haven't been on a long journey bus like this since singapore days!

Ok, going to watch himym now!

Xxx
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Glass is half full...

Most times I like to think of myself as an optimistic. Because no matter how much life throws me curveball after curveball after devastating curveball, I believe that things will get better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those poor unfortunate souls, born into a wealthy or middle class who just wants to have a whinge. I'm not someone who wants to potray a tortured soul who is fraught with ten thousand hardships. My life has been pretty good until recently. Great parents, good education, never really had to go without. No complaints there.

But the love area. Never was lucky, never found the one. Never had someone who thought about me constantly, never had the love of my life. I've always yearned, and longed and wanted for one. And for some reason I thought I found the love of my life in George, but that was unrequited love, til this day, I still think about him fondly. Not because he had done anything to deserve it, but I just like remembering how I felt everytime I saw him and everytime I heard songs that made me think of him. Call me a hopeless romantic, call me whatever. I liked it feeling giddy with love. Maybe it wasn't even love, I don't know.

But everytime I dabble in matters of the heart, I am always the one who ends up getting hurt. Always. I never go with my gut instincts because they are always wrong. Everytime I think that my affections are being reciprocated, it turns out they see me as "friend"material and end up with the next available, more attractive girl. I don't think myself unfortunate looking, but there is always the one single person who is more attractive than me. Always. So I'm the one left behind.

But even though I have my heart broken (ok, that might be a bit melodramatic, but at the time, it does feel like it) time and time again, I think I'm still an optimist. Everytime I think that the future for my lovelife looks bleak, there is always a single girl show that tells me that he is out there somewhere. Ally McBeal, Sex and the City... they all tell the same story. You are alone now, but you will find him. In the meantime, you need to kiss all the frogs, don't settle. He is out there.

I'm still looking for my Larry Paul or my Mr Big. I do hope he is out there. And that's all I got. Hope.

I Know Him By Heart

There's a secret path I follow

To a place no one can find

Where I meet my perfect someone

I've kept hidden in my mind

Where my heart makes my decisions'

Till my dream becomes a vision

And the love I feel

Makes him real someday

Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

Am I living an illusion?

Wanting something I can't see

If I compromise, I'd be living lies

Pretending love's not meant to be

Cause I know my heart's worth saving

And I know that he'll be waiting

So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

Honestly, as quickly as I have sort of gotten a guy, I've lost it. Seriously. This guy ended up being either a schizophrenic or just high maintenance. And to be completely honest, I don't do either.

Talking to ; last night and we have some to a general consensus. In our group, u are absolutely lucky with guys or just cursed. E can't seem to have a relationship with a guy in the same state, sometimes the same country. J can't seem to find any boy attractive if he is not leaving the state. As for me, I always find the boys that dick me around. Sick of it. Sick of it.

And what kills me abt the whole thing is that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship in the first place! And the reason why I put myself through this fucking song and dance is because I wad trying to conform. Son of a bitch.

No matter how u spin it, the bottom line is that what he said hurt. Even though I'm not attracted to him all that much. Even though I wasn't sure whether I wanted the relationship in the first place. And that's another thing that shits me, why the fuck do I hate rejection and why must I have the need to make everyone like me? Seriously.

I hate myself sometimes.
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It feels like ages since I last wrote. Once again sitting at the same park bench comtemplating life!

Since I started online dating, I have met someone. He's not what I think is goodlooking, but we seem to get on well. Although it has taken a bad turn since then. Ish. I can't even put into words what's been happening. And its all such bad timing as well, with mom visiting and I can't even say anything, not even to J.

And today I have a new person to share my office. Great, just what I need.

Xxx
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Valentine's Day

Ugh, Valentine's Day. Need I say more? I hate Valentine's day!!! Once again, no Valentine, NOTHING. I didn't even want to ask anyone else what they got for a Valentine. If they choose to tell me, I will listen. But to be completely honest, I don't give a flying fuck. Yes I am bitter and twisted.

Of course things would be different if I had a boy. Of course. That's when the double standards kick in, and I won't deny it.

I have decided that online dating is hard! Especially in a small town like where I am! Even my online relationships are screwed up. No one interests me in the slightest, and everytime I click to see someone, I just think - am I setting myself out for failure?

xxx

Conformist

Never thought that I would ever say this, but I have become a conformist. I'm feeling the pressure of not having a partner that I have resorted to drastic measures: I have joined an online dating site. I know. Fucking ridiculous.

Looking at people online - completely weird. I try to imagine what they look like, what they are like, etc. burt the bottom line is, why are they alone? The question is, why am I alone?

Am I really ready to settle? Not settle down, but settle for second best. No, I don't believe that I am, but I'm watching my friends make a massive effort to put themselves out there and I refuse to be the only one who's single! Is that wrong?

Plus the pressure from my mother is starting to get to me. She doesn't actually say get a boyfriend, but u know what she's thinking and I seriously don't like disappointing her.

And its not like I don't have one for lack of offers. I really don't think I should be penalised for knowing what I want.
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10/02.2008

Just bleah

Just a general rant:

a) H came into my office and told me that she and D had hooked up the Thursday night. Once again, information that I didn't need to know.

And then it comes to abt being professional. Yes, they are a little younger, one is working as a casual and the other's not really in a professional capacity. But am I the only one who thinks this is wrong? It is wrong, it's just wrong.

b) and then had to hear abt a friend's most romantic weekend ever. And yes, I'm happy for her, but really disapprove of the boy. Deadbeat, can never keep a job, cheater. There are no words.

But she thinks that I'm a good friend which is something I'm trying to be. The rest of the girls are definitely not giving her the support she needs. Which I have a slight problem with because she has always been there for us when we needed her! So really,

i) It's not our relationship so we need to stay out of it;
ii) We are supporting her and not the relationship
iii) If she can't talk to her girlfriends, who can she talk to?

So while I loathe hearing about how wonderful this jackass is, I suck it up and listen to it because she's one of my best friends and I want to be there for her.

But do note, I hate him. Maybe just happy couples in general.

End rant.

Xxx
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Bitches

What I was going to say yesterday was that I work with people who don't have people skills - who don't understand the meaning of privacy and a bunch of backstabbing bitches. I will elaborate soon.

Over and out.

xxx

The beers experience

Met someone at the supermarket today. He was HOT. Sort of like a beers experience, I would have to say. Too bad I was shopping with my MOTHER!

Sometimes I thinkthough, am I really attracted to him - or have I come to an age which is giving in to conforming? I feel pressure of having to be in a couple, and my once enjoyment of the single life has been brutally cut short.

Whatever happened to the times when I could enjoy staying at home and watching sport day and night? Whatever happened to not having to justify whatever I do? Whatever happened to the times when I didn't have to weigh up my options of going somewhere- just because I'm not in a couple?

The situation as I like to call it has become dire. Take for example our last new years eve outing. I was dreading it purely because I was in the minority when the clock struck midnight. And I don't like feeling like that way especially when it used to be a no-brainer: friends = fun, therefore attendace is a must.

Am also hating the double standards. People with a partner can leave a social function at anytime, but the non-couples have no choice but to stay out. I'm over it. So over it. So much that I have decided not to be home during Christmas and New Years this year.
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High maintenance moms

U know what's worse than a friend who is high maintenance? A high maintenance mom and worse if she's the mother of one of your best friends!

U can't just say fuck off, harass your own daughter, even though you're DYING to. Because no matter what, at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water.

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Skipping celebrations

I'm reading 'skipping christmas' by John Grisham and I'm not sure whether ikm enjoying the concept at the moment. T's interesting, but I don't thinl that I could skip christmas.

Although I'm skipping Chinese New Year. I suppose it is the same thing.

Xxx

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Pathetic

Lucky, Lucky... There are no words. You are hilarious!

Ok so I may be self-involved to think that someone had gone through all these trouble to piss me off. And if that was the case, for the record, I'm not pissed off. And I'm actually quite flattered!

Simple case of girl wants attention. If we were in a relationship, fine.

a) we're no
b) I'm straight

High-maintenance psycho. Went off at me for not making time for her. I'm sorry but I have a life. Just cuz u don't, don't freaking take it out on me. Needless to say, that friendship ended and we never spoke again. But don't u worry, she's been around. Emailing my girls, asking what's up. No one's replied to her yet but she keeps persisting!

Cut to Christmas and New Year's - she sent all my girls a message but me. Do I care? No, not really. Its laughable.

Cut to yesterday - made a big deal on facebook for her birthday drinks. Created and event and everything. Invited all her facebook friends of course didn't include me ( I only get wind of these when Jilly gives me the heads up) over 100 invited (didn't know she had more thab five friends!), half a dozen said no, another bunch unsure and about 80 still haven't replied. That is funny! I predict the crowd now: Lucky, Claire and the Munts. Hilarious.

And yes, yes if I don't care so much then why am I writing this blog? Cuz it's funny and she's pathetic. And I want to look back at this in the future and laugh.
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Heath

Heath Ledger- found dead in his New York apartment. I was never a huge Heath fan, but I liked him a lot. I liked a lot of his movies, and thought that he did Australia proud. It's a sad sad day.

R.I.P. Heath. We're gonna miss u.
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Fucking pissed off

Ok- so this was from yesterday but seriously, I was too livid to even write.

Speaking of which, I just saw a driver freaking turned a corner albeit slowly trying to light his cigerette! How inconsiderate and could u not fucking have your cigerette when u are stopped? I hate smokers.

My boss is a pain in my arse. That's all I have to say. Everyone else seriously, u guys had a year to decide what u wanted to do , and just cuz u've freaking decided that u would like it done now, don't fucking pressure me to get things done. I wasn't the one sitting on my big arse and procrastinating. Aarrgghhh!

And for the record, I hate people looking through and amending my stuff. Its perfect. I know cuz I checked. A million times.
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Not meant to be!

This is a blog I found on my blackberry. Clearly I've learnt to use it!!!

It's funny. I always wanted to have a flip phone, but it's never happened. Something's always happened, a better phone's always came up. The last time I got a flip phone, it was so crap that I had to sell it! And now I've got my blackberry. And its the best thing ever. Even though I don't really know how to use it yet. It's still cool though.
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Why I love where I live

Early morning shot of the boats on an early morning walk. Taken from a lone bench in the middle of a patch of grass next to a main road. Tell me this is not paradise.



People wonder why I want to live in this quiet sleepy town. I love everything about it, the people, the lifestyle. While I am definitely more suited to the fast pace of New York or Sydney, I definitely want to stay put. At least for a little while.

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Body and soul, I'm a freak.

Some people are just plain weird. This is a request on facebook that I received from a certain someone who's name that I don't want to mention. He is a freak.

I have never pressed the ignore button so fast in my life!

You know the shootings in Virginiatech? When I heard the news, I instantly thought of this guy. I usually give people a chance, even though they are initially freaky, but this guy.. no deal.

And the reason for the black pic? That is his photo on facebook.

What did I tell you. Freak, freak, FREAK.

Get off your fat arse Louise

In case you can't read what the picture says, allow me.

Hi Vanessa We are not making any progress on the COE’s. We have been concentrating on getting all the applications into the IAD. Hopefully this will be completed early this week and we will then start on the COE’s.

Cheers Louise



Well alright then louise. As long as that suits you. Take your time and do whatever and bitch about others when they take their time to get stuff done for you. Stupid cow.

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Vinegar

I just don't understand some people. I think that I am a bit of an abrasive person, but people at my office are worse sometimes! Didn't their mother ever teach them that sometimes its easier to get your way with people with sugar than vinegar?

Take for example today a collegue of mine said " I think your department needs to reassess the way they are doing things and realise that what they are doing is wrong."

Human behavior 101, if u tell someone that they are doing something WRONG, then that puts them on the defensive and they will not be wanting to help u!

I'm abrasive too sometimes, but seriously, u need to pick your battles.
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