Redline...

So todays my first road trip by myself- its just a two hour trip on this bus that I've never been on before, thought I was going to miss it! Its actually quite exciting- haven't been on a long journey bus like this since singapore days!

Ok, going to watch himym now!

Xxx
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Glass is half full...

Most times I like to think of myself as an optimistic. Because no matter how much life throws me curveball after curveball after devastating curveball, I believe that things will get better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those poor unfortunate souls, born into a wealthy or middle class who just wants to have a whinge. I'm not someone who wants to potray a tortured soul who is fraught with ten thousand hardships. My life has been pretty good until recently. Great parents, good education, never really had to go without. No complaints there.

But the love area. Never was lucky, never found the one. Never had someone who thought about me constantly, never had the love of my life. I've always yearned, and longed and wanted for one. And for some reason I thought I found the love of my life in George, but that was unrequited love, til this day, I still think about him fondly. Not because he had done anything to deserve it, but I just like remembering how I felt everytime I saw him and everytime I heard songs that made me think of him. Call me a hopeless romantic, call me whatever. I liked it feeling giddy with love. Maybe it wasn't even love, I don't know.

But everytime I dabble in matters of the heart, I am always the one who ends up getting hurt. Always. I never go with my gut instincts because they are always wrong. Everytime I think that my affections are being reciprocated, it turns out they see me as "friend"material and end up with the next available, more attractive girl. I don't think myself unfortunate looking, but there is always the one single person who is more attractive than me. Always. So I'm the one left behind.

But even though I have my heart broken (ok, that might be a bit melodramatic, but at the time, it does feel like it) time and time again, I think I'm still an optimist. Everytime I think that the future for my lovelife looks bleak, there is always a single girl show that tells me that he is out there somewhere. Ally McBeal, Sex and the City... they all tell the same story. You are alone now, but you will find him. In the meantime, you need to kiss all the frogs, don't settle. He is out there.

I'm still looking for my Larry Paul or my Mr Big. I do hope he is out there. And that's all I got. Hope.

I Know Him By Heart

There's a secret path I follow

To a place no one can find

Where I meet my perfect someone

I've kept hidden in my mind

Where my heart makes my decisions'

Till my dream becomes a vision

And the love I feel

Makes him real someday

Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

Am I living an illusion?

Wanting something I can't see

If I compromise, I'd be living lies

Pretending love's not meant to be

Cause I know my heart's worth saving

And I know that he'll be waiting

So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

Honestly, as quickly as I have sort of gotten a guy, I've lost it. Seriously. This guy ended up being either a schizophrenic or just high maintenance. And to be completely honest, I don't do either.

Talking to ; last night and we have some to a general consensus. In our group, u are absolutely lucky with guys or just cursed. E can't seem to have a relationship with a guy in the same state, sometimes the same country. J can't seem to find any boy attractive if he is not leaving the state. As for me, I always find the boys that dick me around. Sick of it. Sick of it.

And what kills me abt the whole thing is that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship in the first place! And the reason why I put myself through this fucking song and dance is because I wad trying to conform. Son of a bitch.

No matter how u spin it, the bottom line is that what he said hurt. Even though I'm not attracted to him all that much. Even though I wasn't sure whether I wanted the relationship in the first place. And that's another thing that shits me, why the fuck do I hate rejection and why must I have the need to make everyone like me? Seriously.

I hate myself sometimes.
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